28 December 2012

Saying It Out Loud

I was named adult taekwon-do student of the year for 2012 at the school where I take lessons.  It's an honor I didn't expect.  My children congratulated me, and my teen even gave me a high five on my way back to my seat from accepting my award.  But my cheering section ended there.  My spouse didn't say a word to me - still hasn't.  I have acquaintances, not friends, and no family, so picking up the telephone and sharing with someone isn't an option.  That's why I'm saying it out loud here.

I have kept quiet about it for over a week because I feel badly for all the kids in the school who did not win awards, my own included.  There are several kids I wish I could bestow this honor upon - kids who stepped up to the plate at the virtually the last minute when others backed out, kids who put their heart and soul into taekwon-do this year taking more than the normal two classes per week, kids who traveled and competed in tournaments throughout the year and represented our school well, kids who were slighted/judged unfairly at said tournaments and never complained, kids who volunteered and gave freely of their time to help out with summer camp and younger-aged classes, kids who very obviously worked hard outside of class to learn difficult patterns and kicks.  They all deserve it far more than me.

Yet at the same time I realize I should be proud of myself.  I toyed around with the idea of taking lessons for several months before I was brave enough to take the plunge.  I am in my forties for crying out loud.  This is something I really should have started as a child.  I also am very timid about being up in front of other people.  I don't like to look foolish.  I don't like to be laughed at or made fun of.  I get my feelings hurt very easily.  I not only took lessons, but competed in tournaments as well.  I did it afraid, with my heart pounding and palms sweating.  But I did it ... and for that I congratulate myself.

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